she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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