I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
