People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
