Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
