If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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