Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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