Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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