I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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