She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
