You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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