Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
