Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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