I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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