True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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