So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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