My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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