I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
