my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
