her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
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