The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
