Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
