my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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