There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
