did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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