dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
