and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
