you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
