I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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