Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
