so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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