I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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