Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
