I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
