I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
