i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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