I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
