Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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