It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
