The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
