My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
