Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
