Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize