you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
