I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
