I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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