I think my fart just growled at me.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
