Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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