dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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