I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
