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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
