So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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