My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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