I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
