very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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