the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
you never un-have a 4some
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
