if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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