I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
