i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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